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Is a married couple sinning if the woman is the chief financial provider instead of the man? What if your wife absolutely refuses to submit in a biblical sense in her role in marriage? Do divorce rates show that complementarian biblical marriages are unstable and have higher rates of divorce? These are just three of the 17 questions I'll be covering today. Questions about marriage roles from a biblical perspective. Uh, let me give you guys a little, little intro, right? Is that before I go into these. And there'll be timestamps below, so you can jump just to questions that might help you. There was a marriage conference at my church that I was part of recently. Part of that conference was a Q and A panel where I was. I was up there with some other leaders, and we all answered questions about marriage roles. And it was, it was a really good time, but there was tons of unanswered questions people submitted. So the elders of my church said, hey, Mike, can you, you know, you do lots of Q and A stuff. Can you answer these questions? And that's this video. Okay, this is 17 unanswered questions from our marriage conference. Now, I love my church where I serve sometimes in different small capacities, but I'm not an elder there. The answers that I give here are not the answers of my church, Grace Evie Free in La Mirada. It's not their official answers, but they're my answers being given out to the church as well as whoever happens to see it online, because I may as well make use of it and hopefully it will minister to more people. So their answers may differ than mine. Don't hold the elders of my church to exactly to my answers, but, um, there was enough trust to let me give a stab at it here. So, okay, question number one.

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And this is just how these questions were presented at the, uh, conference from the people who were attending. How do you lead as a husband when you have betrayed and dishonored your wife and are not, quote, worthy of the respect of your wife's submission? And this is a, this is a heart wrenching question. My short answer, although, honestly, someone who's asking this probably needs a lot more time and attention than I can give here. Um, is to remind you that the hope that we have is in Jesus Christ. That may sound cliche to you, but if it sounds cliche to you, then it's because you haven't really absorbed the truth of it yet. It's not cliche.

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It's powerful and it's transformative. And if you're feeling that you've betrayed and dishonored your wife in the past. And therefore you're not worthy of the respect of your wife's submission and her support in that godly biblical way, not in an oppressive fashion. Then you need to remember that the basis upon our relationship with Christ is grace. I am forgiven by grace. I am saved by grace. I am sustained by grace. I'm never really truly worthy of my own, of anything. And Jesus, his relationship to the church is the standard that's ultimately the thing that holds up the reason why your wife should yield to you. You should lovingly self sacrifice for her. The respect and submission and love and sacrifice that goes in marriage. I'm saying your marriage doesn't individually earn this kind of function. This is how it's designed by God. And then the model is Jesus and the church that is worthy. God's design is worthy of your marriage exhibiting these things. And uh, God's sacrifice for us is worthy of your marriage exhibiting these things. You're not worthy. That's painful, but it's not the basis for which you have that stuff in your marriage. So I want to say more about this though quickly is my encouragement to you would be to get up, dust off your baggage of the past, your regrets and your sorrows and your fears and all that. And once, and this is very important, one sidedly do the thing that the husband's supposed to do. The major focus here is self sacrifice, not even authority, although husband has authority. But that's not the focus that you're going to have. You focus on your self sacrifice, on leading in a fashion that places yourself last and her needs, not just her preferences, but her needs. First.

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You cannot stop and check and see if you're being respected in the process of this. Because if what you're thinking is I really wish my wife would respect me or I feel like I don't deserve her respect, instead you should be thinking she deserves godly leadership. I'd like to provide her with that. Whether or not she provides me with the respect and the submission that I hope I would receive in a godly fashion.

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Just do it no matter what. That would be my encouragement to you is do this godly thing no matter what. And I'm not saying this as somebody who's distant from the problem. Well, uh, every marriage struggles with the issue of this on some level or another. You just do it no matter what. You don't turn around to see if she's respecting you. You just give her the thing that you promised when you got married, certainly the thing you should have promised when you got married. You may or may not win back her full respect. It may never happen, but you can live up to it. You can live in a way that would make you someone she could respect if in fact, her heart softens enough to do that for you. I just want to add one more thing on this before I go to the next question, which is that giving up has consequences. Because it could be tempting to say, oh, forget it, I'm not worthy of being that godly leader that she should have as a husband. So I'll just give up. I won't even try anymore. But that's like getting a low grade in a class. I'm getting a C minus. I'm getting a D plus and going, I'll just quit doing my homework entirely. And you just give up. And you do even worse. The only reason we think about giving up like this is because of, um, our own psychological issues, which we do face as real humans, but also because of our insecurities. Our insecurities can make us feel like we're not failing because we're not trying.

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Because I simply don't even make an effort. I then don't expect anything in return. And so now I feel like I'm no longer failing. In reality, I'm failing even more than ever before. So I just want to encourage you, this is not an option. As a Christian, as someone who's listening to the leading of the Spirit, who's reading the scriptures, you simply have no option. But there are tons of examples of people who've gone through redemption and transformation and stood up and walked in a godly leadership position, one that they even failed before. Peter did it, David did it. We read about it numerous times. So you can do it too. You really can. Take no excuses. Don't look at her to fulfill your insecurities and just lead in the way that she deserves. As your wife, whether or not you feel you deserve anything, just ignore that. Just ignore that. That'll be my counsel to you. I do hope it helps. All right, question number two. And while we do this one, it's a good time for me to remind you timestamps down below. This is going to be a longer answer to a tough question, but I have a lot of scripture I want to share with you, so you can skip around if you want. The question is, how does submission work with an overbearing husband? Is it ever okay to say to your husband, you're overstepping your role? And my answer is going to be twofold. Uh, first, there's just A truth in scripture to say, yes, it is okay to say it if you do it with the right attitude, if you do it with the right method. And so Galatians 6:1 does talk about this. Galatians 6:1 says, Brothers, if anyone. And that would include a husband is, uh, caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness, keeping watch on yourself, lest you, too be tempted. This is like a general rule for every time we're interacting with someone who's caught up in some sort of sin, they're overcome by something that is harmful to them and others.

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We often forget to apply these general rules in marriage. It's just that. It's just the truth that we tear down the walls of mistreatment towards one another. Sometimes we overreact. We try to be mind readers, and we think like, oh, I know what you're really thinking and your real motives are.

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So we forget to apply these simple biblical principles that should be applied to everybody. And this can cause a situation where you know what's happening in your marriage. When you treat strangers better than you treat your spouse, you're more gracious and understanding to strangers than you are to your very own spouse.

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That has to be addressed in any marriage. And so the scripture here is saying, hey, wife, if your husband is caught in a transgression, like, not just they messed up, but they're caught up, like, hey, you're really messing up here in a significant way. You have to correct him in a specific way. You have to first be spiritual. You can't just be irritated. You can't just be right. You have to be spiritual. And that changes the very method you use and the way in which you approach him or even choose not to approach. Because wisdom is not correcting everything, every single thing, but some things should be corrected. You should, uh, restore him. Meaning that your agenda is restoration. Your agenda is to see, um, the relationship between you and your husband get better instead of worse. It's not just rebuke and correction. The although it may involve rebuke, the agenda is not rebuke. The agenda is restoration. And you do it in a spirit of gentleness. Think as you're sharing. How can I say this in a more gentle way? And this reply to husbands correcting their wives, too. How can I say this in a more gentle fashion? Can I make this easier for them to receive? That's a good question to ask. Am I being gentle? And keep watch on yourself, lest you two be tempted. Because it's the, uh, it's at the very moment, of course, when I'm correcting others that I am, um, myself tempted to sin so that I so often find myself in error because I'm focused on the errors of others and I do not see the plank in my own eye. So I become tempted. I think this is great advice, brilliant advice for that situation. But there is a biblical example that I want to share with you. In addition, and this is kind of a long passage of scripture, 1 Samuel 25. And this is where a woman goes behind her husband's back, like, actually intentionally goes behind his back. Violates, in a sense, in a very real sense, his role as head, but does so because she's pressed by serious, severe danger that is coming upon her and her family and the people in their household, which would include servants. So here we are. David and Abigail is the headline that they put in the ESV here. It's really about David and, uh, excuse me, Abigail and Nabal, her husband, Nabal. So then David rose and went down to the wilderness of Paran. And there was a man in Maon whose business was in Carmel. The man was very rich. This is Nabal. He had 3,000 sheep and a thousand goats. The guy's got way more than he needs. He's extremely well off. He was shearing his sheep in Carmel. And you're going to see now that him and David get into a major conflict that almost results in the slaughter of Nabal and all of his people.

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And Abigail saves the day, but the way she saves the day is by going behind her husband's back. I can't put it any other way. You'll see, she even calls him names. Um, so I shared this. Not to suggest, in general, wives can go behind their husband's back or call them names, but to say there are extreme circumstances where it does become the right thing to do and it requires wisdom. You don't exaggerate your circumstances and pretend they're more extreme than they are. Now, it requires wisdom. But there are times where the normal order of marriage can be overturned because of extreme danger and an obstinate, prideful husband who's causing danger, serious danger, to come upon his family. So let's read this passage. So he had 3,000 sheep, a thousand goats. He was shearing his sheep in Carmel. Now, verse three. The name of the man was Nabal. And the woman, the, uh, name of his wife, excuse me, was Abigail. The woman was discerning and beautiful. Notice how she's described. But the man was harsh and badly behaved. I'VE known couples like that. He was a Calebite. David heard in the wilderness that Nabal was shearing his sheep. So David sent 10 young men. And David said to the young men, go up to Carmel and go to Nabal and greet him by in my name. So tell him, hey, David sent you, and thus you shall greet him. They're going to say the following. Peace be to you, and peace be to your house, and peace be to all that you have. I hear that you have shearers. Um, now, your shepherds have been with us, and we did them no harm, and they missed nothing all the time they were in Carmel. We'll find out more about this later. But David's starting his address to Nabal by saying, look, we protected your guys. We. We did not harm them. We treated them well, and we actually protected them from others that would have harmed them. And now he's asking a favor. You know, I'm on the run from Saul. I'm being hunted wrongly. Can you please help me and my men? We need food.

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Ask your young men then, man, and they will tell you. Therefore, let my young men find favor in your eyes, for we come on a feast day. Please give whatever you have at hand to your servants and to your son, David. Now, what was the response when David's young men came? They said all this to Nabal in the name of David. And then they waited, and Nabal answered David's servants. Who is David? Who is the son of Jesse? This is another way of saying you're a nobody. Then it gets worse. He says there are many servants these days who are breaking away from their masters. Now, David, you guys know the story, had fled, uh, from Saul, the king of Israel. David is the future king of Israel. He's been anointed by God. And Saul is jealous. And he's, you know, he's basically kind of going mad, demonic like, type oppression going on. And he attacks and tries to kill, throws a spear at David. David flees. He is not a man who broke away from his master. He's a man who rightly fled for his life. He was still loyal to Saul and always would be. So, Dave, this is, uh, a distortion. This is a cruel insult to a man who's actually been loyal to Saul and continues to be as much as he can in the midst of David, facing a master who is. Who is crazy. It's kind of like Abigail facing a husband who is going to get them all killed. So that Abigail's relationship with Nabal, her husband, is similar to David's relationship With Saul, someone who's supposed to be in charge. But David has to, in a sense, rebel against that leadership. Minimal rebellion only as much as is necessary because it's the right thing to do at the time. Tough situations. But the Bible gives us these, I think, because it helps people realize there are marriages where the husband is that bad. And a wife, she has an example in Abigail. Shall I take my bread and my water and my meat that I've killed for my shearers, Nabal says, and give it to men who come, uh, from I do not know where. Notice all the eyes. I take my bread and my water and my meat that I have killed for my shearers. Everything's so, me, me, me, m. My. And he goes for you nobodies. So David's young men turned away and came back and told him all this. And David said to his men, every man strap on his sword.

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Those are fighting words. And every man of them strapped on his sword. David also strapped on his sword. And about 400 men went up after David, while 200 remained with the baggage guarding their supplies. But one of the young men told Abigail, now, this would be probably one of the servants, one of, um, definitely one of, uh, Nabal's servants. So he goes to Abigail, Nabal's wife, and says, behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to greet our master, and he railed at them. Yet the men were very good to us, and we suffered no harm, and we did not miss anything when we were in the fields. As long as we went with them, they were. See, it wasn't just that they didn't hurt us. He says in verse 16, they were a wall to us both by night and by day. And all the while we were sleeping, we, uh, were with them keeping the sheep, not sleeping, uh, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep. So they were protected. That's the scenario, and you've got to understand the scenario, or you might misapply the story of Abigail.

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Now, therefore, know this and consider what you should do. For harm is determined against our master and against all his house. This servant is wiser than Nabal, and he is such a worthless man that one cannot speak to him.

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Some men become so valueless as leaders, incapable of receiving correction, of hearing truths that they don't like right? They see the world the way they wish it was instead of how it really is. And they're carnal and they're selfish and they're narcissistic. Okay, that's Nabal. And he says, I can't even Talk to him as the servant. If I tell him we're all going to get slaughtered, he's not even going to listen.

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Then Abigail. So it goes to Abigail because she's wise. Abigail made haste, and she does this. She goes behind her husband's back, took 200 loaves and two skins of wine and five sheep already prepared, and five seas of parched grain, a whole bunch of stuff, a, ah, cluster, 100 clusters of raisins and 200 cakes of figs and laid them on donkeys. And she said to her young men, go on before me. Behold, I come after you. So they're kind of like in a caravan. First the food will get in, the supplies will get to David. Then she'll show up as the, uh, as the emissary. But she did not tell her husband, Nabal. She goes behind his back, she grabs stuff that he has authority over. The food, the supplies. She orders, servants that he has authority over. Now she has authority too, but it's lesser. Based on a biblical idea of marriage, it's lesser. But she usurps, rightly does so rightly oversteps his authority in this passage. And you'll see, um, the later commentary on this demonstrates she's in the right here. And as she rode on the donkey and came down under the COVID of the mountain, behold David and his men came down toward her and she met them. Now, David had said, surely in vain have I guarded all that this fellow has in the wilderness. Like, why did I help this guy? So that nothing was miss missed of all that belonged to him. And he's returned me evil for good. God do so to the enemies of David. And more. Also, if by morning I leave so much as one male of all who belong to him. This was not a righteous act. The statement, God, do this, uh, and more, that's a normal way of sort of making a vow that they have. And he's like saying, hey, I'm going to kill everybody in this guy's house.

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He's wrong here. David's overreacting. And Abigail is going to be the wise one who ultimately saves her husband and David from folly. When Abigail saw David, she hurried and got down from the donkey and fell before David on her face and bowed to the ground very humbly.

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She fell at his feet and said, on me alone, my Lord, be the guilt.

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Please let your servant speak in your ears and hear the words of your servant. This is kind of like a mediator position, like, I'm going to put myself out there. You'll have to reject Me. If you want to attack him, let not, my lord, regard this worthless fellow Nabal, for as his name is, so is he. She called her husband in front of another man a worthless fellow, not because she's mad. It's just true. And he's endangering her very life. This is where a. This is the principle I'm getting here. A wife can go against the natural God's natural order for marriage when life and safety and, you know, extreme scenarios are in play. Now, you shouldn't exaggerate a scenario and pretend it's more extreme than it is. Lots of people do that. But there certainly are situations. I've. I've. I've been involved in those things as a domestic violence counselor for years. I'll come back to this in a second. I've been in situations where, you know, a woman says, um, you know, he's. He's coming after us with a knife, like, I'm on the phone with her. And, yes, she should absolutely disregard his authority in order to provide safety for her and her kids. In that scenario, that's entirely appropriate and right.

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So as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name, and folly is with him. But I, uh. Your servant did not see the young men of my Lord whom you sent. Now then, my lord, as the Lord lives and as your soul lives, because the Lord has restrained you from blood guilt and from saving with your own hand, now then, let your enemies and those who seek to do evil to my Lord be as Nabal.

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This is extreme, but it seems appropriate in this extreme scenario. And now let this present that your servant has brought to my Lord be given to the young men who follow my Lord, please forgive the trespass of your servant, for the Lord will certainly make my lord a sure house.

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Uh, because my Lord is fighting the battles of the Lord, she knows God is with David. And evil shall not be found in you so long as you live. If men rise up to pursue you and to seek your life, the life of my Lord shall be bound to the bundle of the living in the care of the Lord your God, and the lives of your enemies. He shall sling out as from the hollow of a sling. This is a way of her. It's not just flattery. She's affirming her loyalty to David, understanding it seems that he is the one God has chosen. Like, she's one of the many people in Israel who thinks like David is God's guy, no matter what Saul is saying. So she affirms that. And David, how can he Attack in the midst of this woman.

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And when the Lord has done to my Lord, according to all the good that he has spoken concerning you. She knows that there's prophetic statements about David and has appointed you prince over Israel. She knows he'll be king. My lord shall have no cause of grief or pangs of conscience for having shed blood without cause, or for my Lord working salvation himself.

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That is, she's trying to talk David out of doing something wrong. And when the Lord has dealt with my Lord.

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Well, uh, with my Lord, then remember your servant. And David said to Abigail, listen to his response. Here's kind of, I think, the Scripture giving us commentary as well. Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me. Blessed be your discretion. And blessed be you. You have kept me this day from blood guilt and from working salvation with my own hand, contrary to the plan and purposes and methods of God. For as surely as the Lord, the God of Israel, lives, who has restrained me from hurting you, unless you had hurried and come to meet me. Truly, by morning there had not been left to Nabal such, uh, so much as one male. Then David received from her hand what she brought him. And he said to her, go up in peace to your house. See, I have obeyed your voice and have granted your petition.

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Now, Nabal, he's so struck by this, and he's getting drunk and all this stuff, he ends up dying in the end of the story. You can read more about it in 1st Samuel 25.

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The original question. Let's remind us, how does submission work with an overbearing husband? Um, when the husband is causing. He's so overbearing that it's causing harm and danger, significant harm and danger to the family. And that could be, in all 100,000 different ways. But, uh, if it's serious, it's not just you making a big deal about something. But it's really, really dangerous. Yes. You can go as far as you have to to protect your family, um, within what is righteous, when it is merely, uh, being overbearing and he's overstepping and he's sinning against you. It's okay to tell him what you're doing. What you're doing is wrong. You've sinned against me. Even think of Matthew 18, not. Not only Galatians 6 that I already shared, but Matthew 18, that talks about when your brother sins against you. Go and tell him default between the two of you if he won't listen to you. Go and gather the church. If you have this Regularly overbearing husband who's sinning against you because he's not just being a leader, but he's being overbearing and cruel. It's okay to even involve the local church leadership if he won't listen to you to involve somebody else, other people who he may respect and trust, that is okay. He may not like it, but that is actually a biblical, a biblical concept that's there. So yeah, I've got to use tact and wisdom. Um, that'd be my counsel and um, I'd love to hear your guys thoughts on that down below. Let's go to question number three.

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How does a husband win his wife's trust and respect? How do you win it? Are there any virtues or goals that might be helpful in earning her trust? Okay, this question I actually asked my wife about. Because who would know better how to win a wife's respect and trust than a wife? And my wife says the following.

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Um, discuss things with your wife. This is her suggestion. Discuss things with your wife where you don't just make decisions and she's not even involved. Um, that might make you feel like you're leading, but the way in which you're leading is a way where you're disregarding the wisdom or possibly the concerns and the knowledge as well of your wife. So if you're just doing things and you're not involving her, there's a good chance, unless she's a real special kind of woman, there's a good chance she's going to have less trust for you and it will be harder for her to show you respect. Another thing is to be open to changing your mind, not just be stubbornly stuck in bad decisions. Um, guys, I'll just speak frankly. Our insecurities can really mess this up big time. Because you'll say we're going to do this. And then she'll be like, but what about. And she has a thought that is very relevant, that is showing you something might be wrong with your plan. But you're like, but I said what I said I can't go back on it. You know what? A good leader is willing to change gears, change directions and make adjustments based upon new information. I think that that's wise. So if you send off a vibe as a husband that I'm going to stick to my decisions even if they're bad because my ego is influencing me, it's going to be harder to get her trust. It's just going to be. A third example she mentioned was, um, you show that you have a history of wanting her opinions in deciding big matters and big issues.

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This shows that you care about her and assures her that you have her needs in mind. Um, so we make decisions together, me and my wife. We do. And I know every relationship is a little bit different here, and some of them there's less discussion, some more, and they can be healthy depending on the individuals involved. But at least my wife's advice here, and I would think it seems wise, um, is that by involving her, you're showing that you care about her, you're going to hear her needs, you trust that she's intelligent, that she has something to contribute and all that kind of stuff. And these things can engender trust. I'd like to add to this that as a husband, your call is to love and to love self sacrificially so that you put the other person's needs above your own needs. Not just wants, even needs.

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That is really powerful for creating trust. If you are, uh, not just plotting the best course for the family, but you're actually concerned about the needs of your spouse and that they are met and that your wife is taken care of, that she's loved and nourished and cherished, if that's a concern that's deep in your heart as you make decisions in life, as you walk through the day, even this is going to naturally create more trust. Now, it's not foolproof. And it's not like if you are a great husband, you're going to have a great trusting spouse. That's just not the truth, okay? Because people have decisions they make and they go different directions. Some wives will respect and trust their husbands even when their husbands really don't earn it in any way. Other times it goes the opposite, and so you just don't have that. But you do have good practices here. Subservience is not what I'm suggesting. I'm not saying that the husband should do whatever the wife wants him to do, and then she'll trust him. That is a mistake. That is an abandonment of leadership role. However, love, that is love being the way in which he makes these decisions. So it's not always what she wants, but it's always what is loving. It's always what is, um, in her best interests, even if she's not interested in them. If you get what I mean there. Another thing I would just mention is, um, husbands don't lie to your wives. Maybe you've lied in the past. Maybe you got in a habit of holding things back and hiding things from her and Then you want her to trust you. And it might seem like, of course everybody holds back some stuff. And I just want to tell you, like, no, everybody doesn't.

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Um, you do. If that's you don't lie to your spouse. Stop lying right now. Start telling the truth all the time and then she'll trust you. The best way to earn trust is by telling the truth, ultimately.

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And I know that your desire for your wife's respect is a good thing, but I would offer two warnings before we move on to the next question is that this respect can be lost in the black hole of your own insecurities. Now when I talk about marriage, I often mention insecurities, but that's because in my own experience in marriage, I was shocked at how much even a, ah, little insecurity on my part would create a large problem in my relationship with my wife.

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Your m. Desire for respect, if you combine that with insecurity will turn into like an insatiable desire for respect where you need her to demonstrate respect in ways that are unreasonable because what you're really doing is trying to get her to fix a problem with you. That is, you're just generally an insecure individual. And marriage brings that out. Your focus cannot. This is the last thing I'll say about your focus as a husband. Your emphasis, your main agenda cannot be get my wife to respect me. That is a selfish focus in marriage. And your number one focus should be self sacrificially, selflessly love my wife. So if my number one focus is get her to respect me, I'm doing the opposite of my calling. I am focused on me. I'm trying to manipulate her to do something for me instead of self sacrificially loving her and then letting her respond, hopefully. Well, I hope that helps. That's a lot of stuff. I'll move on. Number four, question number four. What does the Bible say about pursuing spiritual intimacy in a marriage? And how might a husband initiate and a wife respond in that pursuit or to that pursuit? So how do you get more, not just physical intimacy or relational romance, but spiritual connection?

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And that's a great question. Okay, Just as caveat, remember all these are just my best answers to these questions. Surely there's more information, probably better answers as well out there, but hopefully it gets you thinking and blesses you somehow.

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Uh, first thing I'd suggest is be a spiritual man on your own. Um, it's possible to be in a situation where you're trying to create spirituality amongst others, but you're not exhibiting it in yourself that will backfire. Typically, it can actually cause your wife and your kids to see spirituality as fakery because you're not doing this out of an overflow. So what you should do is first fill up your own cup with being a spiritual man and then let it now, let it overflow into other things. Other things, like, um, praying together, worshiping together, serving in church together, reading scripture, going to various church events and gatherings, having spiritually focused times, like maybe you guys sit down and you watch some Christian content online, or you're listening to a teaching or something like that and discussing it, talking about the Bible study after it happens, uh, discussing what happened in church with your family afterwards, praying on a regular basis. These are good, important things. Me, uh, and my wife regularly, not every single day, but we regularly most days, carve out time to sit and read a passage of scripture and discuss it. And then we, next time, we pick up on the next, very next passage. So we're working through books of the Bible. That's something we found very helpful if you're doing that sort of thing. I have some advice for you. Avoid, uh, one upmanship.

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What I mean here is sometimes, usually maybe in families, you've got one, uh, member, the husband or wife, who tends to be more biblically astute than the other. And then it can make the one who's less biblically astute. It can make them feel insecure or problematic about getting together and talking about the Bible together. And like, I study the Bible all the time. This is what I do. We pick up a passage and we read it. And I'm like, I've got a lot I could say about this passage. But I try to hold back because I don't want it to be some competition between me and my spouse, me and my wife. So what I'd suggest is, um, encourage and support your spouse's attempts to share insights and understanding of scripture. And if there has to be some, like, oh, well, I think it means something different than that. Try to be gentle with that sort of thing so it stays a positive environment so that they feel comfortable sharing. I think that's a pretty significant issue. I've seen it in a number of marriages where one member of the marriage, the husband or the wife, doesn't want to go to church, doesn't want to read the word, doesn't want to pray together because the other one is so good at all that stuff. And they sort of lord it over them, right, like your prayers. Uh, they sort of scoff at their lack of understanding of Scripture, their bad praying skills, or the fact that when they go to church, they're sitting there and a husband's sitting with his wife in church and the wife is like, boy, that pastor knows his stuff. And he can just feel that she's thinking. Not like you, you ignorant fool. Like you're never going to have a spiritual, you know, spiritual intimacy in your marriage if it's, if it's competitive spirituality instead of complementary spirituality. So husbands can, uh, initiate things by just being bold enough to say, hey, can we talk about the study? Uh, I don't really know if I have that much to say about it, but I just want us to have a habit of talking about it. I think it's healthy for us. And you lower your expectations of how great those spiritual moments will be and therefore you can raise the frequency of them. And then over the years they get better and better. That's, that's one thought. It won't be perfect, but, um, keep pressing forward even if, even if it's not.

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All right, number, uh, five. Is it God's ideal design that the wife is a housewife or stay at home mom, rather than having a full time career? What if it isn't part of God's will for them to have children?

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So, kind of a complicated question here. Um, husbands in scripture have typically been the, I say in scripture, meaning in the days of the writing of scripture, in the times in which we're reading have typically been the primary source of provision. But I spent a lot of time researching on this particular topic. Like how much does the Bible really say the husband's supposed to be the financial number one provider for the family. It may be good in various ways for this to happen, but how much is it necessary? Do you get my point? Do we allow some leeway for different marriages to play out different ways? Perhaps she has, by coincidence of life, she has, uh, a much better paying job and can make a lot more money than he does. Should she be quitting that job and he takes a lower paying job and they just live on less. Maybe they can't afford Christian school for their kids now and it does have this ripple effect now. Maybe they can't even save for retirement now.

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What should they do? So here's gonna, I'm gonna play for you a clip from another video I've done on this in the past. Okay, this, this is because I just did so much work and I succinctly and quickly moved through a tons of scripture on the topic.

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So here it is. All right, what about working at home. There are those who say a woman should be working at home. Her job is to stay in the house, take, uh, care of the things at home. This is not even a conversation that would have taken place for the most part pre Industrial Revolution, because the Industrial Revolution moved the workplace out of the home for a lot of people. And so it was nine to five. Go to work, do your thing, come home. There were other people who did that, but a lot of people, they worked from home and they would, uh. And the family business, which a lot of people were just entrepreneurs, it was a lot of family businesses and everybody's working.

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Dad works and mom works and 4 year old kid works and stuff. And everybody's working to different degrees, their capacities.

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But there are those today who think woman should be working at home. Man goes away to his job and woman stays home. And that's a rule because of Titus 2. 5. So we'll briefly mention this, which I have talked about in detail. I'm just again overviewing it today.

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The command here is that women, uh, should train other women to be self controlled. So they're teaching them pure, uh, working at home kind submissive to their own husbands. Okay, One of these is working at home.

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Working at home.

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In a society where you don't have this Industrial Revolution context, this like go to the stock market and work for eight hours and then come home. Um, what does working at home mean? Working at home I think just means taking care of home responsibilities. It doesn't mean must stay home and not have a job outside the house. I don't think that's what it means. Rather it means not neglecting your house responsibilities. So here's a balance, right? The feminist is going to be like, well, we can do what you want, you go out and get yours. And then the stronger, maybe patriarchalist is going to say some of them, a few of them would say this means a woman can't, uh, have a job outside the house at all. I think that there's a balance here in between, which is just to say this, uh, yeah, you can have a job, but if your job pursuits are compromising your ability to get the job at home done, then it needs to be addressed.

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Husbands, however, the same can be said about you.

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If you're working 70 hours a week and you're never home and you don't take care of your kids and you barely know what's going on in their lives, that's not okay. Now maybe there's some crazy life circumstance that doesn't make you make it possible for you to do other than that. But this is a situation that has to be remedied at the soonest opportunity. And I think for women who are gone all day and basically your kids never see you, and when they do see you, you're too tired to do anything like that is not healthy for your household. Now maybe you have no choice. Maybe your husband died and you're working two jobs just trying to make ends meet and keep food on the table. And maybe you don't see a way out of that for now. And may God be with you and help you through that circumstance. Obviously, circumstances can force situations on you. They're not ideal, but this is not something that you're to be taught is okay, um, working at home means taking care of home responsibilities.

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But also 1 Corinthians 7 doesn't say that women have to be like, say, homemakers who can't do full time ministry. For instance, 1 Corinthians 7:34, 35 show that they can do full time ministry instead of marriage and homemaking.

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A woman doesn't have to get married even. She could just be doing ministry all the time. And that's perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with that. I, uh, talked about this, uh, previously in other videos, but I'll just say this. It implies something, doesn't it, that homemaking takes a priority for the married person and is less of an issue for the single person. But homemaking is not the only thing you ever get to do. It's just a major issue that needs to be checkbox. I'm doing that stuff. I'm taking care of. It doesn't mean you have to bake your own sourdough bread.

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It means you're making sure that your family and kids are taken care of. Women aren't only homemakers is my point.

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So look at the proverbs. Uh, well, sorry, before I say this, um, I'm struggling with all finding all the right words to provide the balance that's needed here. There are plenty of parents who are neglecting their kids because we live in this sort of fast paced society and we have so many easy babysitters. And I mean like TV and stuff, right? And we outsource all of the discipleship of our kids to other sources, school or church.

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That's a mistake.

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But it's also a mistake to artificially limit entirely what people can do by saying, like, a woman has to just be a homemaker, can't have a job, that kind of thing.

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These, uh, seem like two strict rules. Rather the Biblical principle seems to just be, look, you have needs at home. Are you taking care of those needs? Truly? And if you can say yes, then the other stuff you do is fine. That would be, I think, a more safe principle to live with.

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So Proverbs 31. Uh, she is an ideal woman I mentioned before, and let's look at a couple specific verses that talk about this with her.

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Is she a homemaker? Well, she's obviously a homemaker. She's providing food and clothing for her kids and stuff. But she considers a field and buys it with the fruit of her hand. She plants a vineyard. Obviously she's not just working at home. Right? She buys a land and she sells good buys and sells goods. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable and her lamp does not go out at night. So she's a hard worker. She's getting a lot done. She's not just, uh, hanging out. She makes linen garments and sells them. She delivers sashes to the merchant. Okay, so she's got a lot going on. Doesn't mean she does it all single handedly. She's probably in charge of a bunch of employees or servants. However you want to couch that out. I think it would apply with employees as well. She's an entrepreneur. Lydia, uh, in the scripture, is a well respected woman who works for a living. She's a seller of Purple Acts 16:14. Priscilla and Aquila both made tents for a living. Not just him, but both of them, him and her. And they both did ministry as well. Several women followed Jesus from city to city and helped sponsor the ministry of Jesus financially. Let's look at their names. Luke 8:1:3.

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Soon afterward, he went on through the cities and villages, proclaiming and bringing the good news of the kingdom of God. And the 12 were with him. And also some women who had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities. Now, these are all women Mary called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had gone out. And Joanna, the wife of Chuza, Herod's household manager. I highlight her and then Susanna and many others. Uh, and they provide for Jesus. They're sponsoring his ministry financially.

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Joanna's married, the wife of Chuza, Herod's household manager.

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Joanna's married and she's traveling with Jesus on M ministry, like helping supply funds and stuff like that, and learning and being educated and discipled by this rabbi. This is something that I think a lot of patriarchalists would say, she couldn't do this. You can't do that.

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But at least in this circumstance it seemed fine. So I wouldn't make such a hard rule about that. We don't need to assume she was neglecting kids or something like that. I don't know what the story was beyond that, but this is significant.

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Deborah, we could also read about Deborah. Deborah was a judge of Israel. She went and sat on the terebinth tree and they bring cases to her and she would decide them. So this was a significant amount of time. Maybe she was already passed raising her kids and they were with, they had kids of their own or something at the time, we don't know. But she was judged not just a homemaker. The, uh, principle is this. Married women should make sure they don't neglect home responsibilities, I would say, but neither should men neglect home responsibilities. And in our culture today, a lot of that's happening, A lot of the neglect is happening. That's not good. If you must pick between your home and your career, it's an easy choice. You pick your home. Modern feminism has suggested that you don't have to pick. No matter how poorly neglected your kids are, you don't ever have to make a choice. You can do what you want, go get yours, and that's unhealthy and that harms families. In a non ideal situation, you may work a lot more than you want to. Understandable.

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Life is tough like that. But if you have to pick, you always pick home. When you have to make those choices and you can. Career, uh, and other pursuits are not ruled out. But some societal stereotypes. It'd be good for society to have healthy stereotypes about a mom being around and taking care of things and a dad who comes home and assists and takes care of things and basically parental attention towards, uh, raising up and training their kids to be adults. In my own judgment, we've too easily set aside homemaking as offensive. And that's actually pretty, pretty crazy to think that a woman says like, I'm a homemaker and she's embarrassed, Embarrassed.

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That's our culture going crazy right there. In my judgment, we've way too easily set aside homemaking as insulting, as lesser, as like a life wasted without achievements.

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It's weird hearing myself say it out loud. It's like, wait, we really think that in our culture? But, uh, we do.

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But it doesn't mean that we need to have this hard and fast rule. Go back home. Go back home to everybody. It's unrealistic to think that a woman who has grown children, grown children still has the same at home responsibilities that she used to, or that when they're 18, she's got the same responsibilities when they're 12 as when they're 8, as when they're 2. Life changes or a woman who doesn't have kids, obviously she has different responsibilities at home. M and we need to be flexible and not have these hard and fast rules that we dump on everybody. I think my opinion there. You can think about your opinion. That's what this is really about, is you figuring out what you think. So you can see this one seems a little challenging to me. I'm not even sure, like if the guys at my church would all answer the same as me. I think we might have different nuances and different approaches here. Uh, it does seem, if you were to really generalize things, that the husband has somehow a primary responsibility for making sure that this stuff's taken care of. Financial provision, but not that he has sole responsibility or that he is in every scenario supposed to be the guy who has to be going to work and when staying home. Just the fact of the industrial revolution really changed these things. Usually everybody would work, even the kids, and they would be working near the home, not going off, one person working. And uh, we just live in a different kind of world now. And so asking the scripture to answer this question assumes like a post industrial revolution view of scripture. So it is a challenging issue. Those are some of my thoughts on it. I'll link a couple videos down in the comments section or the uh, video description below where I answer some more of this in other detail. Question six is remarkably similar to number five. Let me read it to you. Does a husband submit to his wife by being a provider? Is a married couple living in sin if their roles are reversed? The way this was worded, maybe it was meant, uh, does a husband submit to his wife if the wife is the provider? But I feel as though I've answered this question in question number five. So go back to that timestamp if you skipped to six, and I'll go on to seven. Uh, how do submission and taking initiative fit together? We talked in the marriage conference, about which I'm sorry, is not available online, but we talked about how a husband exhibits his leadership role oftentimes in taking initiative. That men in general should be thinking about taking initiative in their relationships with others. And I think that that can be healthy. Obviously you can take it too far or you can ignore it too much, but it seems like a healthy thing to me. Something that is a good encouragement to husbands, especially the ones who feel as though they're having a hard time figuring out how to be the head in Their marriage is to think about taking initiative. So this naturally leads to this question, which is to say, can a woman take initiative too? And my answer here would be yes. You just do it in a way that has a different flavor to it than when the husband does it. I think that that's the bottom line. You could think simply about in a, in a, in a career type position. When you're in a job and you have an employer or a boss or someone who's over you in some fashion, maybe you're even both leaders, but they're at a higher rank. The way that you talk to them is different. You may initiate, initiate a conversation, a topic, um, something that needs to be addressed because you're aware of it. You're smart, you're clever, you see what's happening here. This needs to happen. But the way that you take initiative with them is a way that still affirms their leadership. That's the only thing that I would suggest for wives to consider. And when they take initiative, are they in some sense undercutting their husband's leadership? The submission doesn't have to be totally passive. It can be active and still be yielding. Different people in different marriages will handle this differently. I've known some marriages where the wife was very happy to be very much more passive. That's just her character, that's just her nature. Other marriages where wife was much more active and initiative was like natural came natural to her. It was almost hard not to. And that can be a healthy thing as well, as long as it's done properly. I think one way to like just in real pragmatic, like real life example, is to think about, think about it this way. Am I more like a sheepdog in my initiative, sort of nipping at the ankles of the sheep? Am I sort of hounding them? Uh, A word that is often thrown around and is not without, totally without merit is the word nagging. Is it more of a nagging kind of initiative thing where I'm sort of controlling through death by a thousand cuts? Is that kind of what's happening here? Or is it instead that I'm supporting and I'm helping?

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It's hard to make rules about how this takes place. But a simple way is to go to your husband and ask, which one do you think this is? And to listen to them. Because in my experience, if a wife says to her husband, I feel when you do this, you're not loving me, the husband will often not listen, and that's the time he has to listen the most. And Then if a husband says to a wife, honey, I feel like this is becoming nagging or becoming unhealthy, the way in which you're taking initiative here, that oftentimes that's when the wife goes, no, you're nuts. Because obviously you just don't see it that way. You don't perceive it that way, but they do. And the fact that they perceive it that way, unloving or unrespectful, disrespectful is enough for you to stop and say, maybe I should pull back. Now, it's possible that they're just, they are exaggerating, they're overreacting. It's their insecurities that are coming out. And it has nothing to do with you failing in some fashion or another. But it's at least something to consider. The ways in which we speak to people, um, often people understand this when it comes to someone in the workplace. You come and you bring something to someone who's a leader and you're like, hey, I think that this needs to happen. Here's the reasons why. But there's an unspoken yielding in the way that you present the material to them.

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That is a way to take initiative while still offering support. It's natural in the workplace and sometimes becomes conflict in the home. Because marriage is a whole lot harder than going to work. Let's be real. I think we all understand that. Let's go to question number eight. Um, how does servant leadership look like in your marriage? In my marriage. And can you elaborate on the phrase according to her gifts?

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In the marriage conference, we said. So there's kind of two questions. We said, um, or at least I think it was me who said it, maybe others said it as well. I can't remember now, foggy memory there, that a woman can do different things in their marriage according to their gifts instead of perfectly established roles. So for example, I had heard on this according to her gifts thing, I heard, um, a leader, uh, in our church many, many years ago, in my old church, many, many years ago, say that the husband had to control the finances in the marriage and had to be the one doing the taxes, so he has to balance the budget, look at the books and file the taxes. And that was a non negotiable because his leadership role requires him to do this. Now we never really put that in my marriage. And at the time I heard it, I thought, nah, it doesn't seem to me to be some solid, clear biblical command. This seems to be more like, um, this one man's way of Working this out. My wife is an accountant. Okay. She has got education to be an accountant. She's done accounting for ministries. She does the accounting for my ministry, Bible thinker. And she does the tax stuff for us and our household.

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But how is it that she serves according to her gifts? She does the things she's good at. She's an incredible organizer. She's good. But she still will present those over to me to like look over them to still have a headship relationship in that. And look at this stuff. How much are we spending here? How much are we spending on this category in our budget? And I'm still very much involved. I'm not abandoning that thing over to her. Like, it's all on her shoulders. She's skilled and gifted, so she does that. But I still see a responsibility on my shoulders for making sure that it happens properly.

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That is a way to serve according to your gifts. I think in marriage, and this is going to be happening in a hundred different ways, there's things that you're better at, uh, things that they're better at. And it's okay to emphasize those things within the context of headship and submission in a godly fashion in the marriage. So you said, how does servant leadership look in the marriage? This was part of question number eight.

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Um, servant leadership means that the purpose of my leadership is to serve the needs and wellbeing of those I lead. That is, the purpose of my leadership is not to serve my ego. It is not to serve my sense of power and strength and dignity. It is to serve the needs and well being of those I lead. That's servant leadership. I think in a nutshell, my leadership. I am the one making this decision. I am the one who the ultimate decision falls on. Although my wife makes plenty of decisions. There's, there's, there's a, there's a balance that's here. There's like a harmony that exists there. Um, but there's a sense in which I say my sort of final call ability as a husband, my headship, as the scripture gives me this very weighty responsibility that I find intimidating and I should, I think it's healthy to feel that way. It is meant to serve her, to serve the kids. If you guys have kids, it is meant to be a blessing to others. That's the nature of servant leadership. Jesus in his leadership serves us. He says, um, I'm one among you who serves. But he never gave up his authority, never for a second gave that up. But he used it to serve others. This is different than Giving your wife whatever she wants, that kind of leadership, it doesn't just whatever you want, babe. Whatever you want, babe. I mean, it's fine in some circumstances. Like you want to go out to eat? What do you want to eat? Whatever you want. I don't care. But.

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But that's not what servant leadership is. It's not just giving people whatever they want. Um, it's prioritizing their needs above your own. That's, I think, what servant leadership is. So this means you have to have understanding. First Peter says that a husband has to understand his wife. And so that. That's kind of important. We're actually about to talk about that in the next question. Um, so I guess I'll just jump over to that.

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What is. What does weaker vessel mean? That's the next question. So there's this passage in First Peter that talks about a woman having the weaker vessel and how the husband has to have understanding because she has a weaker vessel. Rather controversial topic to bring up. The Bible just. Just talks really plain and matter of fact about issues that often offend us. So I have a teaching on this that I'm going to. I think I've shared this in a way that it's probably better than what I can do right now off the top of my head. So I'm going to play that clip right now for you, and then I'll come back and do the rest of the questions. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives with an understanding way. Showing honor to the women as the weaker vessel, their vessel, which Paul talks about. Vessels like your vessel is your tent, your flesh, your physical body that you will be putting off upon death, and you'll be getting a new glorified body. Um, they have a weaker vessel. I was looking at my wife's hands the other day. We were talking. I was like telling her, honey, your hands, to me they look like a child's hands. Okay, this is my hands like, uh, like seven inches across. Like from here to here. Right? That's how you as a guy. It's good to know your hand size. You can measure things without caring to measure. And for her hands like a child's hand to mine. It's just so tiny. I just like wonder, how do you pick stuff up with those little hands? She's got the weaker vessel. Okay. But also it's weaker in another way. Not just physically weaker, but also women have a lower authority role in both ministry, when it comes at least to eldership and that role, but also marriage.

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You should not think of this as a Way to degrade women. Put them down, think of them as less. You should have understanding because they have that weaker vessel. Why? Since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, and this comes with a warning, so they're fully inheritors. They're going to rule and reign in eternity, okay? This is a temporary situation. You better treat them with respect so that your prayers may not be hindered. Husbands, if you don't treat your wives as full children of God, as full heirs of Christ, can inherit that eternal kingdom. Your hair, your hairs, your prayers, Your hairs might be hindered as you stress out and they fall out because you have a bad marriage, but your prayers may also be hindered.

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This is a threat. Okay? It's not in a mean, threatening way, but it is, in a sense, a threat. Husbands, yeah, you've got that headship role, but you better respect your wives. You disrespect them, you violate pillar three, your very prayers before God will be hindered.

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That is heavy stuff. Okay? So not only is abuse ruled out, simply being inconsiderate of your wife is also ruled out. You're not being understanding of her. You're not being considerate of her. Her vessel is weaker physically and perhaps in her authority role in relation in marriage. But this is no occasion for her to be treated poorly. Why? Because women are equal as heirs in Christ. All right, question number 10. Is, is Adam ruling over his wife in Genesis 3:16 a godly ruling or a domineering ruling? Like, is it negative over his wife? What does this mean for husbands and wives today? So let's look at the passage, and I'll explain why this is pretty significant. When I did my ridiculously long series on women in ministry, um, over 30 hours of video on the topic. I'll link it down below for those interested. In the entire debate, I covered tons of egalitarian arguments, arguments that often included the idea that, um, a husband's leadership over his wife started here in Genesis 3:16, in the fall, and that it's a negative thing. It was not a good thing at all. It wasn't. Okay, it was a bad thing. And so here it says, God speaking to Eve, I'll, uh, multiply your pain. And childbearing and pain, you shall bring forth children. And he says, your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.

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There are many attempts to try to make this negative. And so that what we have in Christ is an overturning of the fall. We don't want to perpetuate the fall. We want to overturn it. So we want to overturn a husband having authority over his wife. This is how some egalitarians actually speak about it. Now, in my studies, I found that the source of a husband's authority in relation to his wife, while it should be measured and it should be godly and it should be Christlike and not domineering, that source of that authority does not come from Genesis 3, but comes way back from Genesis 2. And this is very secure in Scripture. Both in Genesis 2, where we get Adam is made first and he names Eve and Eve is made from Adam and Adam, Eve, uh, is made for Adam, not the other way around. Those are all elements that indicate the male leadership that's taking place between Adam and Eve in their husband, wife relationship. And now some are going to say, mike, you're totally blowing smoke. But what I've just shared is actually the New Testament Holy Spirit inspired commentary on Genesis 2.

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Genesis 2 does not stand alone. It stands with the rest of Scripture and God himself is revealed to us the meaning of Genesis 2. Even if you wanted to fight against me on that interpretation, you can't fight against it in Ephesians 5, 1 Corinthians 11, 1st Timothy 2. This means, and this relates to your question here, if Genesis 2 is the beginning of a husband's godly leadership, then Genesis 3 can't undo that and shouldn't undo that. So Genesis 3 here, even if you were to interpret this as your husband shall domineer over you and it'll be negative and bad, then we would want to fight against that. That doesn't mean we'll take away his actual proper role as the husband and head of the home and head of the marriage. We don't take that away. That's clearly taught in Scripture and is sourced according to New Testament in creation, not in the fall. So even if you take a domineering interpretation of Genesis 3:16, it won't give you egalitarian, uh, conclusions. I don't think we have a domineering thing here, though. I think the husband shall rule over you. The word rule is not inherently domineering or negative. That is not the case and the context doesn't seem to indicate that. I'll link below a video where I go through this passage, Genesis 2 and 3, in great detail and ask the question, did, uh, male headship, did it start as a result of the fall, or did it start as a result of God's design, creation and preference? And I answer that in a ton of detail, all the debates, but that should answer this one particular question. So that link will be down below. It's my Women in Ministry video number, um, two about Genesis and the origin of male headship.

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So Next question number 11 says, what are the necessary considerations for finding a trustworthy and appropriate marriage counselor? Um, that's a great question, and I can't say I've had a lot of personal experience about this. I want to answer all the questions I was given, so I'm going to do my best here. But, um, what I would personally look for in a marriage counselor, and I don't think you should be ashamed of getting one. Okay. If you're doing this to improve and help your marriage, there's no shame in that. That's a wonderful thing. But Christian values. I want to see Christian values, not just, okay, maybe a marriage counselor who's not a Christian might help me in some ways. They will not help me become Christ in the church in my marriage because that's not a value of theirs. They're going to have other values, a different worldview, most likely, if they're not moving explicitly and openly from Christian values. I also want a, uh, counselor who not only has Christian values and worldview, but who hears both sides. Where you go to a counselor and you feel like they're going to listen carefully to both the husband and the wife, not just one. And you want to have one who is skilled at confrontation and help. Obviously, you may not know this before your first meeting. You may have to sit down and meet with them and feel it out. But for those who have met with a counselor and it didn't work out and you thought that wasn't. That wasn't worth it, I would encourage you not to give up entirely. Maybe pursue a different counselor, different type of counseling, or some pursue something else. Don't just give up on the marriage, on fixing those issues in the marriage. But, um, I m. Will link below a group called Turning Point Counseling. Now, I don't know much about this group personally, but the elders at my church do recommend them, and that matters to me. I would call them up. If you're in the Southern California area. I don't know if I doubt that they cover like, worldwide or across the states, but if you're in our area, I would consider calling them up. Um, I'll put a link below, but it's turningpoint counseling.org and it's about what I can share on that. Um, the other thing I'll mention is you don't have to have a professional counselor, although they can be Very helpful. Like, they are often better equipped to help people than, uh, picking a random person. But you can also pick a random person, you know, a godly couple, and you just say, hey, can we get together and talk? We want to share with you the things we've got going on, and we could use some advice and counsel. This can be tremendously helpful, even if it's not some paid counselor. That is also an option as well. Find someone who has Christian values, who hears both sides, and who's willing to confront you. They got to be willing to confront you, because if they just affirm you, you're just going to stay the same.

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Number 12. If a husband wants to exercise headship and his wife struggles with this, what should the husband do?

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Well, I want to talk about this, um, in some detail. And so I have done that right here.

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Um, here's an anonymous question. It says, hey, Mike, I love what you do, bro. Can you help a brother out on what you do? If your wife says she will never be a biblical wife for her husband, she's a believer, um, you, uh, I'm going to say, I really mean these words. You love her self sacrificially, nourish her, cherish her, you bless her, and you do it. Especially when she says, I'm never going to be a biblical wife for you.

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Because the way I view it, while there is a calling and, uh, depends on, obviously your version of biblical wife and my version of biblical life might not be the same thing here, but let's set that aside for a minute.

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The calling on women, the way it's worded, it's always to women, it's never to men. And the calling on men is always to men and never to women. What I'm saying is it is not a husband's responsibility to make his wife submit or yield. This is, I'll say again, it is not a husband's responsibility to make his wife submit.

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It is a wife's calling to submit to her husband in appropriate ways, in godly ways and with limits. Right? But is her calling to do that? Is not the husband's calling to make her do that? The husband's called to love herself sacrificially, as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her, to cherish her and nourish her. These are the words in Ephesians 5. Husbands are never called to make their wives submit because that's not part of our job. So if I have a wife that will not submit, then guess what? She just won't. And I continue Going on serving the Lord in my marriage. And it means I can't, we can't do some things. Maybe I want to lead us down this road, but it's not going to happen because we're divided on these issues.

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And you lovingly, graciously serve and you still try to lead to the best of your ability, but you don't, um, you're not, you're not forcing things because forced submission, that's, that's abuse. That's where abuse comes in. So I do think that, uh, you know, and we'll talk more about this as I do my women in ministry study over the next several weeks. But, um, I do think there's a call for a woman to submit to her husband, right? With reasonable limits.

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But when a husband forces submission, when he tries to make it happen using manipulation, using, um, nagging, uh, and using whatever else, this becomes unhealthy and abusive in a relationship. And so, yeah, it's different with kids. So, like, a husband is never told having you, you have to have your wife in subjection. He's never told that he is told he has to have his kids in subjection. Because children, you have to make them submit. That's part of, you know, in a godly way, not beating them. Right? But you need to make your kids obey you. You force them to obey you. Children, little kids, right. As they grow older, you pull that off more and more. Um, but never is this said about a woman. So that's why my answer to you is, what do I do about my wife? Is you do nothing. You do everything about you. You yield, you serve God, you love her that much more when she hurts you, when she mistreats you, when she wounds you. And that's exactly what Jesus did for us. And that is perhaps why God uses that analogy to describe your role as a husband. The next question, uh, it's kind of challenging for me. It says, we are very much best friends, but how can we learn the husband wife part?

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And I have known a couple who struggle with this. And I don't, I don't know, I wish I had them here to give you guys advice on that and how they overcame it. But, um, I think it is important that the husband wife part, the intimacy of man, woman, is nurtured in a marriage and is deliberately worked on, especially if you feel like it feels like it's not happening as naturally for you. There's things you can do. There's date nights. Date nights are kind of special. Uh, you go on a date. This is an explicitly romantic thing that we're doing as husband and wife. And you can do various things to make it more datey. And, I mean, if you can't think of any options, Google something because, like, you can do very. You can go to a more romantic location. You can explicitly do romantic things for your date. Um. Um, romance is a tricky thing because you have to learn in marriage what the other person responds to. And so you could even just ask. May feel unnatural or awkward to you. But this is part of working on the marriage is you just say, hey, what do you find romantic? And how can I help stir that up and encourage you in that. And what is it that would nurture this in our relationship?

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Um, the goodness of the bedroom is really important that we recognize and we see. We cannot be giggly about it. Okay, you get married, and maybe you saved yourself till marriage, and then now it just feels so, like, unexpected. And you're not responding the way that they do in the movies. Okay, well, they do not respond that way either. That's called acting.

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But the goodness of the bedroom is a really important thing. And I'd encourage you to. If you're struggling with that, if anybody's listening, and this is your issue, you've got to grow up. You can't be giggly. You can't be a giggly teenager about the marriage bed. It is a sacred and wonderful thing, and you should be, um, trying to learn how to embrace this in all of its goodness. That is 100% true. It is sacred. It is. Uh, one of our elders at our church was putting it this way. He says that the intimacy between a man and a wife, it's like a renewal of the covenant. That's what it's like. It's like you're renewing your marriage covenant, um, or re. Refreshing your understanding of it and your sense of it through the marriage bed act. And that's a beautiful and wonderful thing. So, I mean, these are all husband wife parts. Now, it's possible your question wasn't about any of that romance stuff, and it was all about how do we learn the headship, um, and submission aspect. Before, we were just really very much best friends. And best friends don't tell each other what to do. And they don't have. Like, one of us has more authority than the other necessarily. So, um, for that, I would say, you know, watch the rest of this video. Study Ephesians chapter five together. You can watch. I have two videos below. One for the husband, one for the wife. How to be a husband. How to be a wife according to Scripture. Not my wisdom on the topic, but what scripture says about those two issues. I'll link those down below under the titles. How to be a Husband, how to be a Wife. And it's a study, a Bible study on each of those topics. So I recommend you check those out. I think you will find it very helpful for that question. Question 14. Not too many more to go. How does Jesus lead the church? And what can earthly husbands take away from his example?

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Um, now this can be a little tricky because we don't see Jesus physically functioning in a church building, like, the way a pastor is leading. Um, and so they're asking, like, how does he lead the church? And you can survey through scriptures. I'll give you one great central verse in Ephesians 5, or Central Section. We'll go over in detail right now. But you can look generally at, um. Well, he gives the church its marching orders. Matthew 28, you know, go into all the world. And he says, oh, tarry in Jerusalem till you receive the power of the Spirit. He's Lord. He's the one in charge. And he's such an exalted Lord that, yeah, husbands are like Jesus in the church, but they're not. They're not Jesus. To the. To the. Your wife's not going to worship her husband the way that we worship Jesus, that you don't owe him allegiance above everything else and anyone else the way that you do to Jesus. Although, um, there's a high calling that's there. So we want to be careful here. Um, in Revelation, he not only tells the churches what to do in the seven letters, but he actually threatens them with consequences if they don't. I don't think that this is the. This is. I don't think in this, Jesus is modeling a husband and how he talks to his wife. Even though Jesus is talking to the church here. There's not 100% parallel between Jesus and the church is what I'm suggesting here. And, um, Jesus is like, you guys, I'm going to take your lampstand away about this Jezebel woman in Revelation. I'll kill her children.

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Her children are not actual kids. They're, uh, her followers. He's going to strike them with righteous judgment. This is his role as judge, not his role as, like, metaphorical spouse. Husband shouldn't be following that. So in what way does a husband mimic Jesus? I think the example that is focused on in Scripture is in Ephesians 5. So we'll look at that together.

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Where. Here it Tells husbands how to behave. It also gives you details. So verse 25 of Ephesians 5, Husbands, love your wives. How? As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. So this is why I always repeatedly, like a mantra, say, self sacrificial love is the husband's role above even the wife's role, because that's what we see here. How am m I supposed to behave like Jesus? I'm not the creator of my wife, right? Um, he certainly is the source of all things and all that, but I'm not that. But I am to love my wife. That's the number one thing. Love my wife how? The way that Jesus loved the church and gave himself up for her. He didn't sin for her. He took on her sin. He gave himself up for her.

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The most extreme example of self sacrifice and love that you can have is on the cross. And that's what you're to copy as a husband. When your wife mistreats you, when she hurts you, when she wounds you, this is your chance to be like Jesus to her. Take her sin and just forgive it and just bear it.

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Suffer for her. If there's an intruder in the house and one of us is going to get shot or stabbed, it better be me. That's my role, because I'm, um, the one who's going to give myself up for her.

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Then there's more details that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word. Now we are saved through the gospel of Christ as we receive because he dies for us. And then we trust and we receive that Word and we are sanctified and we are cleansed. But the idea here is that the husband is committed not to just, uh, telling his wife what to do, but to blessing his wife and seeing her grow in her health and spiritually in all ways. That she's just doing well, that she's, she's doing good and she's taken care of. Then it goes on and says so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So you're looking for a metaphorical parallel to that in your marriage, you want your wife to be holy and without blemish, not for your ego's sake, but for her own sake. In the same way husbands should what, Love their wives as their own bodies.

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He who loves his wife, loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and Cherishes it just as Christ does the church. So here are these two words. I always hang on these words. I try to repeat them when I talk to husbands. Nourish and cherish.

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Is your wife receiving the things she needs? Both in the material realm, nourishment, but also in the relationship realm? She's receiving the compassion, the concern, the love and the caretaking that she needs. Is she receiving that from you? So she's being nourished by you? Is she also being cherished by you? Abusive. Uh, husbands do not cherish their wives. They have a jealousy for them, but there's no cherishing involved.

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Nobody who cherishes their wife is abusive to her.

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This is part of our calling as husbands. Cherish as Christ does the church. It's also really encouraging that Jesus has this attitude towards us. He cherishes us. He treats us as his own flesh. He cares for us, he loves us. Uh, that's just amazing. Yeah, husbands, you're called to do that too. So those are the words I would use. Nourish, cherish, love, self sacrifice. That is how the husband examples Jesus. Now, does the husband also include in that? Is there a leadership role? Absolutely, 100%. Is there an ability to make decisions on behalf of the family? Yes. Biblically, there is super unpopular in our culture. All the more reason why we have to underscore it and say, yes, there is a role that a husband has, and I have had to learn this and really receive it because I grew up in a culture that rejects it and hates it, is that I have a role to make decisions on behalf of my family. I do. I don't make them alone. M. But I do have that final call because I'm the head in this relationship. But my focus, self sacrifice, love, nourish, cherish.

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That's where I get my cue. That's where I get my cue. All right, number 15.

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Uh, why does this topic with the American church hold such a minority position? Yeah, the fact is that there are just countless people in the US in particular, if you go to other countries, they're going to be totally comfortable with the idea that her husband is the head of his wife. If you go to certain more Westernized countries, they're going to be more uncomfortable with it, potentially even hating it and thinking it's evil and thinking it's abusive to even say it out loud or try to put it into your marriage. They'll think I'm inherently abusive in my relationship with my spouse, even though my wife would be like, no, he's not. No, don't listen. You don't even know, lady. Trust me, I know. I know your marriage better than you. Um, that's the vibe you get. Ultimately, why this is happening is because in the Western Westernized countries, their worldview is. And that's what this is. It's a worldview issue. Right? Their worldview about male and female, about the nature of authority.

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Their worldview is being absorbed by culture instead of informed by scripture. So when they read in scripture that it says husband's this and wives this, it becomes intolerable to them for reasons they can't even quite explain necessarily. They just go, I, uh, just know I don't like that. Maybe it doesn't really mean that. Someone help me understand how it doesn't mean what it looks like it means. And of course there's writings that will say it doesn't mean that. And I've evaluated all that. Right. My Women in Ministry series goes through all the egalitarian stuff. That's why it's 33 hours of videos. It goes in detail, quoting all the sources. I'll, uh, link it below. You can check it out. But you ask why the American church is like this, why many within the church feel that a husband taking the leadership role is bad, that they are embarrassed to talk about it, that pastors are afraid to teach on Ephesians 5 or 1 Timothy 2.

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It's because our culture is wrong on this topic and we're absorbing our beliefs and our worldview from our culture. So it becomes a trigger issue. And it's incredibly awkward in our culture as well. But, uh, in my opinion, this shows how important it is. This is why we have to double down on it, commit to it completely. Because think about it this way. Forget who you're offending for a second and we'll just say this. Our culture misunderstands the very nature of marriage. They misunderstand the very nature of marriage. And they build their marriages on a misunderstanding so that it's harming their marriages when they do this. It hurts the picture of Jesus in the church, which is the ultimate reason for marriage. And it also opens the door to a bunch of other things. This is why they can embrace same sex marriage. This is why they can raise transgenderism and all of those other things. Because it's all the same worldview, belief that God's design is not relevant.

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My joyful experience, my living, my bucket list life, that's what's most important. It's an individualism run amok. That's what I think is happening in our culture. And, um, we view submission as evil, we view authority as bad. And so then we just get all these things off. Whereas God can see, can show us that all those things have positive contexts where they're good and wonderful things in the first century, in the New Testament, in that world, um, they would never have been offended by the idea of a husband having authority. They would have been offended by a husband being told he had to love his wife self sacrificially and that a wife is an equal heir before Christ. And, uh, there's no male or female in Christ, that there's these other elements that exalt women that they would have been bothered by. Our culture is upset. They ignore the exaltation of women in the New Testament, and they freak out about the headship of men. And basically, wherever the Bible goes, it's going to offend the culture one way or the other because it's going to cut a true line through the lies of whatever that culture is believing today. It offends the feminists.

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In the past, it offended patriarchalists. Um, and this is. Okay, that's not a bug, it's a feature. This is where we can bring God's truth that's restorative and healthy and balancing into marriages and into cultures. So, Christians, for a long time, we've become quiet about roles in marriage because we know how much it offends people. And that quietness has only helped perpetuate the problems of our culture. I think we should be speaking up gently but confidently about the goodness of godly marriage and marriage roles. Number 16. Uh, somebody had asked during the Q and A, where do we find brother Winger's talks and videos? Well, that's on my YouTube channel, which you're on right now, or you're listening on podcast. So just type Mike Winger. W I N G E R. Wherever you're at, you'll find it. You're there right now. Most likely you're already listening. So I guess that was kind of a unnecessary question, but it was there. Number 17. Are divorce rates substantially different between Christian complementarian couples and Christian egalitarian couples? Again, egalitarians believe there's no difference in roles between men and women as relates to authority. They might try to say, oh, they're sure there could be different, but not related to authority. Men don't have more authority, um, whereas complementarians will say, nope, there is a head body relationship, there is submission, and yet we have complementary roles. And there's an equality in personhood and in nature and in salvation. But a difference in roles between husband and wife.

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Are divorce rates different between these two groups? Does anyone know? The research is the question. Well, there is a book written that includes good research on this exact topic that I've been, uh, checking out by Nancy Pearcey. Nancy Pearcey wrote a book called the Toxic War on Masculinity. A rather controversial book, but does include actual studies. I thought it was a good book and it was worth looking at. It includes actual studies and notes that many feminists who quote and say that complementarian marriages are a disaster or patriarchal marriages are a disaster and the divorce rates go up. They just claim this with no studies and no evidence whatsoever. So it becomes a common repeated refrain, um, actually with the studies, when they actually produce the studies. And Nancy Pearcey has the footnotes and the studies and all this in her book the Toxic War on Masculinity.

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It says there that evangelical marriages rate among the most healthy of marriages. In fact, wives in evangelical marriages report the highest degree of happiness of all of the demographics that they checked out. Wives in evangelical marriages report the highest degree of happiness of all of the demographics they checked out all of them.

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The worst demographic is men who attend, um, excuse me, men who do not attend church regularly, who are simply nominal Christians. So when you. When you take pool, uh, of people and you go, are you Christian? Check yes or no. And then you ask them how their marriage is doing, then you go, how are Christian marriages? It doesn't show that much different than the world. But that is not really a good way to test it. When you control for nominal Christians, people who say they're Christians, but they don't live it out in their lives in any significant way. Right. They just claim to be Christian. We, okay, Christianity is a real commitment. You don't just say, like, well, I guess I'm a Christian. Like, that doesn't count. Okay? You need to have a real commitment to Jesus. You're not just picking a favorite sports team.

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When you control for nominal, and you separate them into two categories, nominal Christians versus committed Christians. Once you regularly attend church and that sort of thing, you find that nominal Christians have the worst marriage relationships, the most domestic violence, the most divorce, because you claim you're Christian, but you're not seriously committed. My relationship with me and God is private, and I don't need to go to church and be part of that stuff. And you have all those arrogant things. You say your marriage is in trouble. Most likely, more highly likely, your marriage is going to be having trouble. About 50% of people who claim they're Christians and are men go in the nominal Christian category. About half of them actual Christians who are the are going to church regularly and are, you know, a certain number of times a year or a month or something. And then they, you know, they live it out. They seem to live it out based upon the studies. They are the most engaged with their children. They have the least likely to divorce rates, lowest divorce rates, and the lowest rates of domestic violence compared to any other group in America, that is regular, committed Christians who attend normally. Now, your question was, what about egalitarian versus complementarians? That'd be a shock to some people. That can't be because you have absorbed a worldview in our culture that says that it's impossible that these evangelical Christian marriages could actually be doing better than everybody else. But they are not because we're better. We're not better. It's because Christianity is better. Following Jesus is better. Doing things God way is better. He designed it. He knows how it's supposed to function. And we're not ashamed of that. So egalitarian versus complementarian. Even within that evangelical group who attend church regularly, some are egalitarian, some are complementarian. There's a mix. Okay, so according to Nancy Pearcey, the top marriage researcher in the nation, said the following, and I'll read to you the quotes. It turns out that the happiest of all wives in America are religious conservatives.

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Fully 73% of wives who hold to conservative gender values and attend religious services regularly with their husbands have high quality marriages. Conservative Protestant married men with children are consistently the most active and expressive fathers and the most emotionally engaged husbands. This is empirical research. This is not just opinion.

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Complementarians seem to do pretty darn good. That's all I'm saying. Um, egalitarians will often claim. I don't know how often, but they definitely have heard it many times. I've seen whole chapters and stuff in books written about the topic that, um, complementarians like myself. Our teachings increase domestic violence and pave the way for abuse and unhappiness and discontent in marriage. That's not what the research actually shows. That is just a claim. Okay, you've probably heard those claims too. Check out Nancy Pearcey's book, the Toxic War on Masculinity. Really good stuff there. When it comes to divorce, the health of the marriage primarily depends on the husband. Did you know that based upon these statistics, when the husband does not listen to his wife, this is not about making her lead. He doesn't have to have her leading but he doesn't listen to her. When he doesn't actually listen to her, then they have a higher divorce rate. Uh, higher than 80% of marriages where they report the husband doesn't listen to the wife. They end up divorced. The man can still take initiative and listening to her as part of him taking initiative. Anyway, there's more on that. You can check out the book. But let's, um, let's call that the last question. And I just want to all close this in prayer for our marriages and tell you guys, there's a bunch of links below to a bunch of other things you can check out. Um, if this is the first video you've seen of mine, that's kind of strange, but welcome to my channel. My name is Mike Winger. I produce content to help people learn to think biblically about everything. That's my goal, thinking biblically. I have high confidence in the trustworthiness, reliability, and inerrancy of scripture. That is, that is the word of God. I'm an unashamed Christian, and you should be too. That's not arrogant. Speaking truth should be treated that way. We're not ashamed of it. We don't make excuses for it. We, we embrace it. Because the other option is we live in, we live lies and we, we pretend until it becomes time to pay the piper. So let's pray. Uh, Father, we pray that you'd be blessing the marriages of all those watching who will watch this video. Um, that you'd help us to learn and grow to realize that none of us is perfected, but we want to be on the path of, for wives, uh, walking in, um, love and submission towards their husbands and being able to see how to do that in a way that honors you and puts you first. Being able to help them navigate. Lord, we pray as they navigate, uh, problematic husbands, husbands who have sin issues, husbands who sometimes are not godly. Help them navigate that well and to serve you and to know that they can derive their pleasure from your pleasure in them serving.

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We pray for husbands that they would wake up as they, even the ones watching this video would wake up to how high the calling is to love their wives as Christ Jesus loved the church, to give themselves up self sacrificially and to know that their calling is not to tell their wives to submit all the time. It is for them to self sacrificially love. We pray that there'd be more happy marriages because there'd be more of us doing what you've told us to do and not just telling other people to do what you told them to do. In Jesus name, amen.